Recently one of the clients I had at Nebraska AIDS Project was having an extremely bad couple of weeks and his visit to see me to get tested for HIV was just the icing on the cake. He wasn't a terribly happy client and he kept apologizing to me for his mood. After the third time he apologized for being a "rain cloud," I interrupted him and told him to stop.
Why do we feel the need to apologize for not being happy?
I am a highly emotional person and find myself often apologizing for the ups and downs of my emotions. It wasn't always like this. When I worked at Church Health Center (and other times I've worked with children), I frequently reminded the kiddos that it was okay to experience their emotions. It's okay to cry. It's okay to even be angry so long as they don't take out that anger on themselves or others. It's okay if they're not happy all the time. It's also okay if they are actually happy, but they definitely are not required to be.
At some point in childhood we learn that we need to get up when we fall down and that tears are not okay. We learn that we must hide our anger, sadness, disappointment, despair, panic, fear, and frustration from others and only work through those things behind closed doors. We learn that it's only acceptable to show "positive" emotions such as joy and hope around others.
I have to say that this isn't really the best coping mechanism for overall mental health and wellness generally...
This hiding of my emotions is so hard for me, but I've also had 20 years to practice the skill. There are very few times when I feel comfortable enough around people to be that vulnerable and truly express the roller coaster that is my daily emotional life. I'm pretty sure those around me who I do open up to probably are exhausted by trying to keep up with my current emotional status. But I also realize that being able to experience all of those emotions within a short period of time allows me to be a much more compassionate person.
I have found that I am much better at treating others with grace about their emotions. I told my client that there was no need to be happy for my sake and that he didn't need to apologize for being sad/mad/frustrated/scared. He was entitled to feel all of those things and whatever others he wanted. As soon as I said that, relief washed over him and he looked as though he was actually breathing for the first time during our interaction. There was no need to pretend to be okay anymore. I believe that when others truly embrace their emotions, it makes them much more powerful, but when I do, it seems like a weakness (let's be honest...this is because women are accused of being "hysterical" at the very first sight of any emotion other than happiness and I don't particularly want to be branded as hysterical). I'm truly grateful to the creators of "Inside Out" for normalizing emotions and starting a nationwide conversation about mental health. Sometimes I like to imagine that my own memories are colored yellow, blue, green, red, and purple (or some combination of those colors/emotions). Leave it to a children's movie to make adults get in touch with feeling all the feels.
I know that I will need the grace I extend to others for myself in the coming weeks as I continue saying goodbyes to my medical school friends and then again when I leave UNMC after graduation in August. I will need reminders that embracing emotions makes me a stronger human and better at my profession. So if you see me in the coming months and I tell you that "I'm fine/well/alright" please take a second to stop and ask me how I'm doing. Because I'll need your help to fully embrace all of the emotions I've got swirling about.
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