Thursday, May 26, 2016

on having the feels

Recently one of the clients I had at Nebraska AIDS Project was having an extremely bad couple of weeks and his visit to see me to get tested for HIV was just the icing on the cake. He wasn't a terribly happy client and he kept apologizing to me for his mood. After the third time he apologized for being a "rain cloud," I interrupted him and told him to stop.

Why do we feel the need to apologize for not being happy?

I am a highly emotional person and find myself often apologizing for the ups and downs of my emotions. It wasn't always like this. When I worked at Church Health Center (and other times I've worked with children), I frequently reminded the kiddos that it was okay to experience their emotions. It's okay to cry. It's okay to even be angry so long as they don't take out that anger on themselves or others. It's okay if they're not happy all the time. It's also okay if they are actually happy, but they definitely are not required to be.

At some point in childhood we learn that we need to get up when we fall down and that tears are not okay. We learn that we must hide our anger, sadness, disappointment, despair, panic, fear, and frustration from others and only work through those things behind closed doors. We learn that it's only acceptable to show "positive" emotions such as joy and hope around others.

I have to say that this isn't really the best coping mechanism for overall mental health and wellness generally...

This hiding of my emotions is so hard for me, but I've also had 20 years to practice the skill. There are very few times when I feel comfortable enough around people to be that vulnerable and truly express the roller coaster that is my daily emotional life. I'm pretty sure those around me who I do open up to probably are exhausted by trying to keep up with my current emotional status. But I also realize that being able to experience all of those emotions within a short period of time allows me to be a much more compassionate person.

I have found that I am much better at treating others with grace about their emotions. I told my client that there was no need to be happy for my sake and that he didn't need to apologize for being sad/mad/frustrated/scared. He was entitled to feel all of those things and whatever others he wanted. As soon as I said that, relief washed over him and he looked as though he was actually breathing for the first time during our interaction. There was no need to pretend to be okay anymore. I believe that when others truly embrace their emotions, it makes them much more powerful, but when I do, it seems like a weakness (let's be honest...this is because women are accused of being "hysterical" at the very first sight of any emotion other than happiness and I don't particularly want to be branded as hysterical). I'm truly grateful to the creators of "Inside Out" for normalizing emotions and starting a nationwide conversation about mental health. Sometimes I like to imagine that my own memories are colored yellow, blue, green, red, and purple (or some combination of those colors/emotions). Leave it to a children's movie to make adults get in touch with feeling all the feels.

I know that I will need the grace I extend to others for myself in the coming weeks as I continue saying goodbyes to my medical school friends and then again when I leave UNMC after graduation in August. I will need reminders that embracing emotions makes me a stronger human and better at my profession. So if you see me in the coming months and I tell you that "I'm fine/well/alright" please take a second to stop and ask me how I'm doing. Because I'll need your help to fully embrace all of the emotions I've got swirling about.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

my friends didn't go to the chapel, but they did get married

Mer + me @ Megan & Matt's wedding
The past two weekends have been filled with many emotions (mostly love and happiness) at the weddings of four of my favorite people in the world. [To be clear, there were two weddings with two people involved in the marrying process at each one...that last sentence could otherwise be confusing...] It was also a time to start saying goodbyes to some of my closest friends over the past 4 years.

I am so incredibly excited for both Megan and Matt as well as Sydney and Tom. It truly was an honor and a joy to be able to be present to celebrate their nuptials and upcoming adventures as husbands and wives while moving to new places to start residency. I could only hope to someday be so lucky to find a partner who loves me as much as the love shared in those relationships.

Megan and I were in classes together since our first semester at Hastings College, although we didn't really become friends until much later. She was my roommate during some of the hardest months of my life and somehow put up with me during it (and still claims to be my friend after!). I still remember the first time she told me about Matt while we were at Hastings College. And after their first date. I was also there for the first two years of med school where they put up with me being sort of a third wheel at some family-like dinners when Matt would come to visit. Matt is an amazing partner to Megan and has been a wonderful friend and support to me since the first time we met.

Megan & Matt's ceremony
first dance 
HC alums + one current student 


Julie(a) & Chelsi + me
<3   
so excited for the two of you!
Jill + me @ Megan & Matt's wedding

my UNMC family @ Megan & Matt's wedding

Sydney and I met at lunch on the very first day of orientation week because we shared a M2 buddy. We were both clueless as to what we had gotten ourselves into and I specifically remember that we were both really concerned about what school supplies we needed to get--binders or notebooks? Laptops...? I'm pretty sure Tom has his eye on her from the very first time he saw her, but instead she (very loudly) insulted his (disgusting) mustache during Movember and perpetually denied any possibility of them dating. Somehow from there (with a LOT of patience from Tom), they eventually began dating [took you long enough to figure it out, Squid]. Sydney joined Megan and I for pre-exam sushi dates and was a fellow TA with me for SMDEP. This past year I was able to work with Tom with Decreasing the Donor Deficit, one of the groups I work with as the Service Learning graduate student. I know that Tom is also a great partner for Sydney, they compliment each other well and Tom frequently keeps Sydney (and the rest of us) laughing.
Syd & Tom's ceremony
first dance
Megan + me @ Sydney & Tom's wedding
Tom made this quote wall with quotations
Syd put in cards to him. The last one was
asking her to marry him! 
Waiting ever-so-patiently to get a photo with
the couple while they talk to (more)
important guests.
so excited for the two of you! <3



































































I'm eternally grateful that I didn't need to say all of my goodbyes at the weddings and that they were able to be predominantly happy memories, but I know that I will miss these friends so very much. I look forward to staying in your guest rooms when I come visit Salt Lake City and Chapel Hill! <3 Thanks for the many hours of laughter and your friendship. Congratulations on being old married people now!

P.S. I hope your honeymoons are the bomb diggity right now!

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

so I went for a walk...

This past weekend I went to a lovely wedding of some wonderful people (more on that in another blogpost) and needed to retrieve my car the following day. My roommate was otherwise occupied and it seemed ridiculous to pay for an Uber/cab when I was fully capable of walking to get it. I didn't have anything else to do and it was nice outside, so I headed out for the 1.5 hour trek...

Never in my life have I been more terrified for my safety than in that hour and a half (and truthfully, I've done some dumb/not-super-safe stuff in my life).

There were cars that slowed down to very obviously give me a once over. There were men yelling profane things out of their cars at me. There were men honking at me. There was even one man who slowed down, followed me for a bit, and then even parked his car in front of me to block my path. When I did not welcome his advances, he began yelling horrendous things at me. Not only was the slowing down, following me and blocking my path terrifying enough, his reaction to my lack of interest in him was just a more violent escalation of what already felt like a violent invasion of my space.

I'd like to say that this was an isolated incident. That it just happened that on Sunday the men in Omaha were especially rude.

But I know it's not.

Most women have their own version of this story. Most of us have many versions of this story. I learned how to hold keys in my hand in the attempt to protect myself from an attacker when I was in early high school for goodness sake. It's engrained in our culture as women. There are books (Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates), hashtags (#whenIwas), and Twitter accounts (@EverydaySexism) devoted to this topic <--those are just the ones I know off the top of my head. It's not isolated to the United States either; it's quite pervasive in many countries. We are told as women that it is our responsibility to keep the street harassers happy so that they don't hurt us--never mind our own safety or comfort in responding to those who put us in that situation in the first place. We are taught that it is our responsibility to not get raped.

Who is teaching the street harassers that it's their responsibility not to make people feel so uncomfortable, fearful and vulnerable? 

Not that any of this information should be pertinent, but for those of you whom I know are asking if this is somehow my fault...
  • I did not walk through any "bad" neighborhoods of the city.
    • I put bad in quotation marks because all too often "bad neighborhood" is a thinly-veiled euphemism for communities who are impoverished and/or are minority racial or ethnic groups. In this case, I was walking partially through a suburb and otherwise through gentrified areas--both of which are predominantly filled with white, middle class people. 
  • I was not wearing revealing clothing.
    • I had a sweatshirt and capri workout pants on. Pretty much the only skin showing were my calves and my face. My calves are pretty great, but not that great to attract the attention of drivers.
  • I was not walking at night.
    • It was the middle of the afternoon/early evening. Super sunny outside. A little too much wind for my taste.
Please do not patronize me by saying "well it's not all guys...blah, blah, blah." There were hundreds of cars passing me. Not. A. Single. Woman. driving past made me feel unsafe in any manner. No women slowed down and gave me the once over. No women yelled profane things out their windows. No women honked or threw anything at me. No women were offended when I politely declined their advances and none of them responded in a violent way either (by cursing at me, following me, or otherwise asserted their dominance). 

I'm so incredibly sick of the culture where this sort of behavior is tolerated and is supposed to be welcomed by women (comments such as: it's just a compliment, etc. further this notion). It might not be all men, but it's enough that even in 1.5 hours in a relatively small city, I was made to feel like a piece of meat to be oogled at. It might not be all men, but I also don't hear/see enough of you that claim it isn't you telling all the others to shut up and quit making women feel unsafe. If you aren't doing the street harassment and want claim that it isn't all men, actually do something to change the culture so that I believe you. I don't have any concrete suggestions for those of you men who want to help, but calling out other men who are doing these behaviors is certainly a good first step...

I should to be able to take a walk on a nice afternoon and not fear for my safety. Street harassment is not a compliment and I'm tired of pretending as though it is for fear of my safety if I politely ignore such comments. 


**I also want to note that certainly men are victims of violence and sexual assault at the hands of women or even other men. I'm not discounting that in any way. But street harassment is certainly not as pervasive for men as it is for women.