my reality.

I've sat in front of my computer for almost an hour trying to figure out how to start this blog post. It's actually causing some bad flashbacks of writing papers for undergrad where I could never figure out how to start. I'm just struggling to find the words right now.

So here goes...

As many of you know, I've been sick off and on this year. Well actually, mostly "on." I've been more sick than I let on to most people. Until recently, I've even been more sick than I let myself realize.

Within the past 6 months, I've been diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders. I've battled several complications with each throughout the process of diagnosis and the beginning of treatment, all the while trying to go to classes and study.

I'm not going to lie, it's been really rough. Some days I feel 100% and want to conquer the world; others make me feel as though I'm sinking in quicksand and the only thing I can accomplish for the whole day is rolling out of bed and showering before I head directly back to bed for a nap.

This is my current reality. It's neither good nor bad (okay, it's definitely a little bad), but it's real. At this point, it doesn't make sense to continue fighting my body about the healing process, so I've decided to take off the remainder of the year on medical leave. Due to the timing of when I started leave, I will have to repeat the entire M1 year beginning again in August.

I can't say that this is ever how I imagined my first year of med school going, but this is the way it is. I am really fortunate to be receiving some of the best medical care in the entire state (hooray for going to school across the street from an INCREDIBLE medical institution!) and I have the most supportive friends and family who have helped me immensely over the past 8 months.

I wouldn't say that I'm necessarily excited for the opportunity to do the entire year over (who really would want to re-listen to 92 hours of biochem lectures?), but there are plenty of good things that are going to come from this less-than-optimal situation. I have met some of the most awesome people this year and had some great experiences, I get the chance to meet an entire new class of awesome people. I get the chance to learn all of the M1 material in a depth that I could have never achieved because of being sick. While I heal, I have the opportunity to do some clinical research part-time, which is seriously awesome because it's research and I will still get some patient interaction.

I'm currently in a state of both joy and mourning over this decision. It's kind of an odd place to be, but I know that, ultimately, I can't work towards healing others, if I, myself, am not well.

I got this fortune when I was home a few weeks ago. I think reading it was
actually the moment I made my decision about medical leave.