I've purposefully shaped my posts to be a reflection of what is happening in my life, to a certain extent, and to (hopefully) not offend anyone. I've also shaped them so that things I write could not be held against me at some distant point in the future as a practicing physician.
But I believe in the power of truth. And so sometimes I feel guilty because I haven't been as transparent in my posts as I really would like to be.
Let me just clarify and say that I have not been lying in my posts. Everything that I have posted, I absolutely believe to be true in the moment that I post it (remember, this is all about processing the things I learn in and outside of school...perhaps I have or will change my mind on a few subjects as I continue to learn and process new information). But I have been omitting a few key details.
So this post is about the truth of my life.
The truth is...
Medical school is hard. SO much harder than I could have ever imagined it to be. Not that it's "hardness" is inherently a bad thing. For the first few weeks I woke up every single day dreading going to school because it seemed like such a big upheaval. Two more years of hitting the books didn't seem all that appealing. I'm not going to lie, it sucks. I cannot imagine waking up every day of my life to go to a job that I hate. Just a few weeks of hating school was defeating enough for me. Older med students always say that it gets better after the first two years, I hope they are right. I truly and wholly believe that I am called to this profession and that medicine is one part, of many, of my vocation. Thinking about the people that have supported me in my journey thus far was the only thing that kept me going to class. No matter how independent I am, I didn't want to let these people down.
Medical school is lonely. My classmates are wonderful. It takes time to get to know people and you don't get the luxury of having much of that in the first weeks of medical school. I love people and I thrive in knowing the stories of those around me. For the first time in my life, the people around me were too busy to be sharing their lives with me. We are all in this together, but unfortunately "together" means that we were all studying near and at the same time as others, but we didn't get the chance to really get to know others. Not only that, now that I live 3 hours away from my home/alma mater, I didn't even have the direct support of those that I love at home. This situation is getting better now as the year progresses, but it's still tough. I cannot express in words how grateful I am to have Megan going through this process with me. She is my savior and my sanity.
Medical school is boring. Really boring (also, interesting, but definitely boring). Until recently, I really didn't have much else to do other than study all day. And truthfully, that's not all that fun. I am glad to finally be involved with groups where I can do something other than study for a few hours. If any of you knew me before this year, you'll know that I tend to be over-involved with extracurriculars. As drained as it often made me, it is just something integral to who I am. I'm sure as my tenure at UNMC continues, I will continue to become involved in other groups. I find myself wanting to join something new almost daily in the hopes of reducing the monotony.
I was sick during the first 3 months of class. Truthfully the being sick part sucked the most. It made each of the above truths much more drastic. I'm getting better now, but it's still not super easy going. My body was essentially attacking itself and I was tired all the time. And then I lost my appetite. And then I was tired because I wasn't getting enough nourishment and the cycle persisted. Now throw graduate level classes and studying into the mix of an exhausted, malnourished girl and you end up with the mess that was me. I only made it harder on myself because I tried to hide my exhaustion and sickness from those around me because I didn't want anyone to know, which ultimately exhausted me even further.
I hate when people use words such as "retarded" and "gay" in a derogatory sense. One of the biggest disappointments so far in my medical school career is the number of times a day that I hear these words from my colleagues. It's not professional nor is it cool. Please stop. It's offensive. While you're at it, please take phrases out of your vocabulary that deal with rape and suicide. If you've known someone who has committed suicide or has been raped (or if you were raped yourself) you can understand why these phrases are offensive. I KNOW that I'm not perfect at this, but taking into consideration what those around you have experienced before you decide to speak could really go a long way in this world in spreading less hate.
I love what I'm doing. I have good days and bad days, just like any other person. I'm doing what I can to survive and thrive while I'm here and learning. The body is a truly wonderful and incredible thing. I feel blessed to get the opportunity to learn about it, even when I'm overwhelmed.
Thank you to all of you who have and who continue to support me. Your encouraging statements, love and thoughts are what get me through my days. I hope that I can continue to write posts that are as transparent as this one because I feel that the bad days/experiences are as much a part of the journey as the good.
 |
| Beauty can be found in the simplest of things. |
No comments:
Post a Comment